To Live in Silence After the sexual abuse ended, and especially once I was of age, I was no longer physically trapped. However, abusers psychologically trap and silence their victims long after the actual, physical entrapment is over. I was no different. After twelve years of sexual abuse, I believed the lies that I was […]
Category: Sexual Abuse
The Silence of Sexual Abuse In Part 1 of this series, I say that my stuttering started at age eleven, or thereabouts. I also mention that I believe my stuttering is tied to my sexual abuse. Before beginning this article, I want to make very clear that stuttering is usually NOT a sign of abuse. […]
The Handicap of Stuttering I was eleven when my school teacher asked my mom, “What is wrong with Ellen? The other day she started stuttering out of the blue, just like that.” That was exactly how it was. One day I was talking freely, smoothly, and normally. The next day, I could hardly give answers […]
I had done it again. Last night, I had listed all the things I wanted to get done today. All of the tasks today had been important as they focused on three goals I was currently pursuing. Now, all of today had gone by, and I had done none of them. Instead, I had distracted […]
Blog Posts | Identity | Internal Family Systems | Learning God's Character | Self-contempt | Sexual Abuse
A Story: The Hater and the Dirty Girl
I staggered to the bathroom to put my contacts in. In front of the mirror, I paused, wearily eyeing myself. Behind the façade of my tired face, the old litany was scrolling through my head, like headlines at the bottom of a TV screen: “Come on! Do you know how much time you wasted this […]
The Poem Someday is coming, for at last, +++I am daring to escape! The prison bars are cracking, +++slowly crumbling. Eventually, I will leave the narrow cell behind +++and walk—to freedom! For now, it looks too scary, +++the thought of freedom. So for now, I wait, stretching my soul, +++and dropping the chains of defeat. […]
The Poem Shame, defeat, hopelessness… +++the shrouds of death upon my soul, +++the bars of my prisoned life. There’s no escape and no way out. Life slowly drains from out my heart. They whisper terrifying messages +++on the breeze. “You’re hopeless! You’re caught forever!” “There’s no use to try or even to live.” “You failed […]
What did I learn? Even after I experienced healing from my same-sex attraction, I still struggled with how to view homosexuality. While I did believe that homosexual relationships were not God’s plan, much of the research I did while learning about homosexuality broke my heart. So many gays and lesbians have received ostracizing, virulent hatred, […]
I broke soul ties. It was 1 ½ years after that bombshell revelation of my attraction to women that the greatest change occurred for me. I attended a Land of Promise conference. The Land of Promise conferences—seminars hosted by the Strait Paths Foundation—focus primarily on deliverance from the devil and his spirits, generational iniquities, the […]
I finally put it in God’s hands. I wrestled and prayed and cried and struggled. I was attracted to women. I wanted it to be okay. I understood both sides of the Christian arguments about homosexuality—those who say committed, homosexual relationships are okay and those who don’t—and I wasn’t sure what to think. Both sides […]